Haunted
by Eveam
Summary: James reflects on what has happened in his life...


Title: Haunted

Author: Eveam 

Rating: R 

Category: Drama/Romance 

Disclaimer: I don't own them. ::sob!::

Archive: If you want this story posted on your site write a review and include your site's address.

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Every night- when I can sleep- I dream of you. Sometimes dreams of us in Pokémon Tech, sometimes the bike gang, sometimes Team Rocket but mostly that night… God! *One* night changed my whole fucking life?!? I sigh. Well it's the truth... I can try to deny it but a nagging voice in my head tells me I damn well know that it is the truth. I sigh again mentally running over reasons you left. Can't find any. Except for the 'abducted by aliens' theory. That phrase makes me wince. You once said to me 'What planet are *you* from?' Remember that? That was my Jess. The one who gave me tough love. In a way you still do… You used to keep me in line. I don't need that now. But I still need you… Everything reminds me of you. I peer around my room which is in semi-darkness even though it's nearly noon. That what Jessie does to you… I see my lamp. Technically *our* lamp. We bought that in a market thinking it was the prettiest lamp ever. It still is even with the layer of dust and the crack from the time it fell off the bedside. It has slightly frosted glass with snowflakes engraved onto it. Tiny crystal beads hang off it. I reach my hand up and brush the beads. They clink together ever so softly making a gentle tune which is new but familiar at the same time. I look over to the left of me. Various objects are on a shelf. My bottle cap collection. A tiny stuffed Pikachu won at a fair. A couple of CDs. Two pens, one blue, the other black. An out of date calendar. A Toothbrush. A notepad. A watch that doesn't work anymore due to a smack off a rock during a 'blasting off'. A photo-album. I reach for it then shake my head. Too many memories. Memories that chronicled our lives, our…developing relationship that suddenly ended after the climax of that night. Every one of my dreams, my fantasies came true that night. The next day it was my darkest fears came true… No matter how hard I try I can't hate you. To hate myself is easy but I can't work up the hate for you… I can't imagine that. 

I sit down on my bed again and flick on the TV. A man and a woman are doing magic tricks. I remember we used to do that. Except I wasn't a man then. I was just a boy. You always were a woman though. You knew so much… stuff I never dreamt of. I had led a sheltered life at home but when I was old enough to leave, you still kept me sheltered. You showed me how to survive at the same time destroying me. You were *everything* to me. You were my life, my reason to live, my hopes, my fears, my worst nightmare and heaven sent dream. You were all this and more… you were my world. It's gone now, after you left part of me knew you weren't coming back but another part thought I was dreaming. That you were asleep next to me in your pink sleeping bag and when I woke up I would have never told you I loved you, never held you in my arms as we made passionate love, never experienced the aching pain of having you leave me. I wouldn't be the hollow shell of the James you told me you loved. Sometimes I think what if? What if I had denied my feelings to you? What if we *had* admitted our feelings but I was a light sleeper and woke up when you were about to leave? Would we still be together today? With two kids and a dog? What if I had woken up as you were leaving and you had explained why you were leaving? I know it wouldn't be the same but at least I'd *know.* That's what kills me. The fact I don't know *anything* for certain. Christ for all I know you were a vampire and turned into dust when the sunlight streamed in the window that morning. I'd give everything just to hold you in my arms. To whisper in your ear how much I love you, always loved you and always will love you. To stroke your hair inhaling the scent. To kiss your sweet lips one last time. To gaze into the two sky blue orbs that you call your eyes. That's all I want. You. It's all I've ever wanted.

Lying back on the bed I close my eyes. I can imagine you here next to me. It isn't hard to do. Your lips on mine, your fingers in my hair, your hair surrounding me, overflowing my senses. Soft hair that tickles my nose but never irritates it. To me your hair defined you. The vivid red colour was a symbol of your vitality. No one else had that spark of life you had Jess. No one. With hairspray it would be rough almost to the touch but underneath without hairspray it was soft and gentle as you could be without the endless glass walls you put around yourself. When your hair was down it would flow around your shoulders and back being part of you but not quite. Much like I was to you in that sense. Remember when the Scythers cut your hair? I wanted to hold you in my arms so much, to comfort you, to kiss your tears away. I wonder 'what if' again. What if I had? Would fate still leave me here alone in my room with you god knows where? I doubt it. Fate isn't that cruel. You are though. 

I still wake up at night believing you are next to me. But I wake up next to a pillow as white as your skin…your silky skin… Sometimes I wonder will you ever leave my mind. Am I forced to carry my memories of you with me for eternity like a thorn in my side? No, you were *never* a thorn in my side. At the time I welcomed you, embraced the love that I believed you gave to me forever. How could I ever forget… I remember everything you ever said to me. Every single word is tattooed on my mind but the ones you said to me that night… the night when you lay asleep in my arms after loving me…

Those words haunt me…


End file.
